When your guy called you on the phone to talk, he was high and drunk.
Had he called and said, "I am planning on running for president and I want you to be my vice president. Instead, he said romantic things like, "I'm glad you're still here," and "I only want to be with you, promise me you will only be with me. It made it easier for you to hold these words as the gospel truth of his love and devotion. The problem is that when he said those things he was not coherent, he was high.
This does not mean that everything he said was a lie, it means that everything he said was drug and alcohol induced. Worse, is that sober he can't remember what he said when he was high.
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It doesn't sound like your guy is 'scared' to want to be with only one girl. Based on what you have written about the way he behaves when he's sober, I'd say he is not ready to be with only one girl. When you tried to get him to commit to you while he was away at school, he wouldn't. Your disappointment and his lack of committing ended with the two of you fighting and your relationship going sour.
It is hard for you hear he does not like you the same way. He does need to get help with his drinking problem and that could be AA and psychotherapy.
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However, another problem rises to the surface that may or may not be connected to his drinking and it is that of going to the Internet in search of gay sexual partners. He has gone from fantasy to taking the initial steps towards action.
- pickup lines for online dating.
- What I learned from dating someone with a drinking problem?
- Does Being Drunk Bring Out The True Personality?;
- Ask a Guy: Do Guys Mean What They Say When They’re Drunk?.
Please remember that heterosexual people can have sexual fantasies that are both homo and hetero sexual. To repeat, what is troubling is that he has taken some action oriented steps, whether drunk or sober at the time.
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While I agree that your husband needs to attend some type of alcohol program such as AA, it would be a good idea for both of you, as a couple, to attend marriage psychotherapy. In my opinion, there may be some deeper issues that need to be addressed by the two of you as a couple.
For one, there could be some sexual issues that neither of you is addressing. Be assured that this is very common in married couples, even those who have been together for many years. You speak highly of your marriage until running into these problems.
My suggestion is that you not act hastily in giving up on your marriage. All marriages have problems. You report that your husband is motivated to keep the marriage alive.
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When we decided to be exclusive, he showed me his profile before disabling it. You know the kind. They say we date who and what we know—consciously or unconsciously. I thought back to my childhood.
Yet another smelled so strongly of Jack Daniels I thought it was cologne. Such dates opened me up to getting to know guys sober, on their end and mine, to see if we were a match. After going on a sober date with someone new, it was then good to go on a drinking date, so to speak—or to a place where alcohol was in the background, not the foreground, to see how the guy handled it.